emotional mayhem.

Honestly, nowadays I've been feeling very extremely sucky. I don't even know what's up with me anymore. It's like I'm going through an emotional mayhem. There are times(most of the time) where I don't even feel like talking to anyone, even the one whom I used to love talking to the most. There are times where my tears just stream down for no apparent reason and then there are times where I get all boiled up and angry at every single thing. My level of tolerance has gone very low, lower than the floor.

I came back from Bintan a couple of days ago and it was a very fun experience. The kids are so lovable. It is an instantaneous thing. The moment you step in the orphanage, you already love all of them even if you've only seen one or two. What struck me most is not the fact that they all happen to be very loving and cuddly. But what struck me most is that they are so easily contented... Although they may all seem like they want you to do things for them(e.g. develop photos for them, buy presents for them.. etc.) Honestly, what they want most is your attention and love and care. They have grown up in this world knowing that the only thing closest to love is their caretaker, or maybe their friends. They cry when you depart the orphanage, they ask you to come back and they crave for your constant attention. It is a very simple living lifestyle though, the way they live. & it makes you feel very warm and fuzzy inside to know that these kids actually love you and welcome you all the time and would give up anything to see you and to spend time with you, in turn for you to spend time with them. (At the third orphanage we went, the kids were supposed to go swimming for the whole day from morning. But they waited for us, instead. We only reached at about 3.30pm.)

I don't know what has caught up with me but immediately after I reached Singapore, I felt like I've changed. I felt so motivated to do anything and everything but I don't know where to start. So procrastination took the better of me. & laziness took the better of procrastination. Now I'm just a useless bugger who can't even commit to blogging( I've been wanting to blog since the moment I reached Singapore. It is already the 28th.) I suddenly got so lazy that all I want to do is eat, sleep, enjoy, watch some good shows.

I feel like I'm distancing from God, even. The prayers I used to do every 10PM and 11:11PM / 11:11AM for prayer warriors have already stopped(even before the Bintan trip. Somewhere right after the HongKong trip.)

I don't know what has gotten over me. I feel like I'm in an emotional mayhem and life is getting ready to suck me up in to the hell hole and commit a whole year in to it.

Oh wait. It's not a feeling.

Life IS really going to suck me up in to a hell hole which I have to commit to it for a whole year.

Honestly, if this is tough for me to get through itty pity December, what about the whole of 2013. It's my bloody O levels year and I can't even do shit right. Chinese O levels results are gonna come out in about ten to twelve days time. I don't even feel like I'm ready for it. All I hope is that I get at least a B3... ( of course, still hoping for an A2... or maybe an A1....)

Crap. Anxiety is taking over me. I don't know what to do now. Maybe I should make some hot milo and eat ice cream and cry over Korean drama.

Nah I Kid.

I'm going to drink hot milo, eat ice cream and watch HIMYM.

Goodbye.

Xmas.

How would you feel if there was a birthday party all for you and many people are celebrating it? Everyone is busy preparing for the party. From the food, to the decorations..

When the day comes... You're so excited for it. It's finally your birthday! You go right straight up to the door and you realize... You didn't receive any form of invitation. From the peephole /through any opening, you trying to peek inside to what they are doing.. You see them eating a log cake, it looks very delicious, you see them eating roast turkeys and many other delicious food. You don't get the food. Then there's a gift exchange.. Everyone's exchanging gifts.. But it's your birthday. You don't get a gift as well. It's your birthday. Why does it seem like it's everyone else's birthday instead?

Never mind, maybe it was only this party. You go to the other houses and you realize they are all practicing the same thing. Everyone's not inviting you to the party.. But it's your birthday..Why don't they care about you at all?

Sadly you leave... Yet another year, forgotten.. This wasn't the first.. & it certainly wouldn't be the last...

Sadly, that story is true and it's how Jesus feels every single year. 

They people care more about a mythological creature named "santa claus" more than Jesus. Jesus is real! But why do they care more about something that is only a child's belief?

This Christmas, let's invite Jesus in to our hearts. It's the only right the to do. 

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sport car in a dealer showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approaches, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his

 private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.

He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.

Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible? "and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen Him since that graduation day.

But before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.

He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.

With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11 ,

"And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealers name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had

desired.. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...

PAID IN FULL.

MORAL LESSON:

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

A PRAYER FOR YOU!

May you never miss God's Christmas gift for you just because its not wraped and packed as you expect it.

us, as humans.

Excerpt of a stolen life - jaycee dugard

This is one of the Bible studies Phillip made us sit through
John 1:1
Wisdom was created before everything.
God represents a way of living one's life. God holds and stands by wisdom, love, and justice. They are one.
[The] woman is in all of us. She represents our subconscious. She is inside of us always making good and bad decisions. Man represents male and female. The garden or field in the Bible is the inner workings of our minds. God developed man [humans, male and female] through stages in the evolution of our minds. We as humans have not yet awakened from the deep sleep and we have not become one with our inner woman [subconscious]. We have not shed our clothes [ bad behaviour] and become naked. Living as God [ a way of life] our creator intended.
The serpent in the Garden of Eden [ our minds] represents our subconscious and our conscious talking to each other. Like the battle sometimes we have within ourselves. Telling us to do something even when you know it's wrong or has the potential to be wrong or dangerous if you have never had the experience of doing it, how can you ever win the battle? So the woman [ Eve in the garden, our subconscious] gave the apple [a new experience] to her husband [our subconscious, Adam]. Our creator knew the only way to develop man so he could one day become like God was to let man learn through experience. 
The breath of life our creator breathed into all was the freedom to make choices, good and bad. That's why he gave us a helper [our subconscious, our inner woman] to be with us through our journey of learning.
From the very beginning we have struggled with the way of God and our minds. The story of Cain and Abel represents the turmoil with us. Cain is the negative input we encounter everyday and the consequences of letting those thoughts take over. Abel is what we know is right but don't always listen to. And when we let Cain [the negative] win, we kill Abel [our sense of what's right]. But as with all aspects of our life, we have the ability to change and grow and learn from our mistakes. Our inner woman can be good or bad depending on the choices we make in life. 

geek in greek.

Going for an event tonight and the theme for the party, which is also the dresscode is greek mythological characters.
Wearing a sash, a long flowing dress and I look a little greekish but I just don't know who I am. But since it's a black dress I think I'm just gonna be Selene. Moon Goddess. I think. I don't know.

Oh well.

xx.

you can find meaning in the storm

"At times everyone goes through trials and tribulations. Seek out someone else in a similar situation and give them an encouragement or just a hug. Find meaning in the midst of your struggles by helping another in similar straits."

hug u guys luv u guys. *gives encouragement* muahmuahmuahmuah.

Published.

I was bloghopping( Yes, blogHOPPING. No S. It's not blogshopping because that's for girlygirlygirls. Which apparently, I am now deemed not so) just now and I saw many bloggers blogging about their families and all the screw ups and mishaps and shit(apparently, very common topic to post nowadays). Some actually made me tear and some made me reflect a lot about myself and my family.

Although, I have a rather screwed up family... Every family's as screwed up as well. Fights are bound to happen. Separation may happen. It sucks but that's the hard truth.

Suck it up. Life's like that.

happiness

to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

That was the quote spoken to me for today, December the 2nd. It feels like everyday, it's just giving me quotes about happiness. Damn as hell, I sure need it. Happiness is something easy to have, but hard to sustain. Tribulations may happen as and when it feels like. But what is happiness really? & How does one get happiness or be happy?

Which brings me back to my previous post! " true happiness is a state of mind"

Very so often, we have burdens and tribulations, things that will make us stumble on our paths. We may often find it as the "worst thing I've ever experienced"... But who can ever go through anything worst than what Jesus went through? He wore the crown of thorns, he was made to carry the cross, he was nailed to the cross... Carrying the cross is like carrying the burden that we have to go through. But to finally end the suffering, we will be nailed to the cross... It may be the toughest to be suffering over the same burden that you have been carrying... But definitely, exchanging momentary suffering for eternal happiness is truly worth it. :)



Maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. Maybe we should just see everything out of the box. Maybe life is really just a simple game of survival.

Because God will never put us through anything that we can't go through.

Irrelevant title goes here.

In an effort to try to keep this blog going..

8 days ago was...
dumdumdumdum!
.
.
.
TWO YEARS SINCE I HAVE BEEN USING THIS BLOG.
*mini wooo.*

Recently, my life has really been a blur. So many queries, so many doubts. So many feelings, this has all been an emotional roller coaster and I'm proud to say I have endured yet another week. It's a Friday today and TGIF, I spent the day studying. I'm not even kidding. I'm not even close to kidding. I'm not even anywhere near to- Okay. Maybe I only did one Chemistry paper.

And then I spent the rest of my time in Coffee Bean playing my little pony. That shit is addictive. It is my third day and I have watched all the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and my game is already at level 33! I mean, hello! Talk about being addictive. I'm not addicted. I'm committed to prove to everyone that I am determined.

DETERMINATION.. to finish this game.

Not only that, today's the 30th of November... You know what that means! It's the last day of November! Which means only a month left of my Holiday... Which I don't exactly consider it a 2 month holiday.. I mean come on, my holiday officially started on the 24th of November and yesterday I just received a text that I have to go to school on 3rd of December so boohoo. I'm guessing it'll still be all fun and nice having to meet all my friends after this long break.

Wouldn't it be nice if I had said long WINTER break? I mean come on, we really need snow around here! It's starting to make me feel like the days are warm and the nights are warmer. Honestly, Singapore should be a lot cooler. I remember how we used to complain when the temperature was 28 degrees, to hell with that! If our temperature is ever at 28 degrees, we'd be rejoicing. I wonder what the temperature was in the 80s.

On a side note,

"true happiness is a state of mind"
was my quote for today. It told me that I should stop pursuing happiness, instead, practice it. Happiness is not a result of consequences. Happiness is how you choose to look at things, your outlook in life, your positivity towards things etc. Happiness.
We are all so caught up in this modern technology world that the only way we express happiness is through the means of a bracket and a colon ( :) or (: )... and also things like [: :] {: :} But really, why do we only express happiness through means of technology? Heck, in the olden times and someone does something really great or sweet for you.. Heck you'd go all the way over to their house or wherever to meet them to say thank you or hug them or repay the kindness instead. Through the means of modern day technology, all we do is send a text like
" Tx bro. :) "
"Thx sis :) "
" Thanks babe. :) "
" Lol u r awesome thanks :)"
" :)"
COME ON WHERE'S THE SINCERITY.
Oh well.

I think I've spoken a little too much with a fair bit of variations of topics.

( If I can remember, I shall do a post a day tomorrow since it's the first day of the month and I'm sure I'd  be helluva free for that.)

Goodbye xx.

Elections? Schmelections.

What irks me is how some teenagers( Singaporeans, mainly, because I don't really notice the rest and more mainly pertaining to the females because apparently males are too dope for that.) are still creating a hullabaloo about the Presidential election for the U.S. I mean it's deemed 'socially acceptable' for you to be showing your support if you're tweeting like "Obama won #yay #4moreyears #beatthatromney #presidentialelections #america" or posting as a facebook status or whatsoever... I mean it's cool... But up til date you're still talking about it? 

I question whether you even watch the debates, to begin with. 

Some girls are saying that the world is blessed and all, finding what-they-think-is substantial evidences that they have searched on google and post everywhere saying...

"Obama promised xxxxxxx he might not have carried it out as promised but at least he tried." 

"Romney insulted big bird."

"Romney is a liar."

Then they try to bring as much relevance the Presidential election is to them.

Heck, I'm a Singaporean and the only relevance my president has with me is that he is my president. 

Honestly, I don't get why some teenagers even care about U.S. elections. I watched some debates and you don't see me spamming all over the social media about how ' xxxxxxx should die' or whatsoever. 

Ohwell. 

So there's this boy....

on the phone with me...
sleeping.



he snores like a pig.

goodnight xo.

run.

why do we keep running back to the same thing that makes us want to run away in the first place?

no matter how much I want to, I can't. I thought there'd be care or even concern. but I guess, whatever.

goodnight world. I guess I always hope for too much and the basic expectations I always think that there should be will never be met.

because I'm too damn demanding, perhaps. oh well.

help

I need help. So many things are affecting my mind to feel so negative about everything. the world. myself.
scars.
pain.

a penknife.

the knife that can trigger so much memory.
the knife that screams the pains of unhappiness.
the knife that made me feel alive.

Suddenly, I miss that knife.

breathe me. -/

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

my skin.

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face say these promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
Because I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
Well content loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable
Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this
I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored

Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving
You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death
Oh, I mean this
Oh, I mean this

demanding attention

Today, I was thinking about how girls are always complaining how in every relationship.. We're always the ones in the losing end. Some girls complain about how they're suffocating in a relationship, and saying how they hope their boyfriends would pay them a little more attention.. Or how their boyfriends do not take notice of their wants and needs.. Or even how their boyfriends do not even take notice of them.

Just like all the good ol' housewives porn... The females get a new hairdo, new clothes but their men never take notice of it. Or how their husbands/boyfriends comes home late and when the wives/girlfriends demand an explanation, they give a broad answer of
"Oh, work."
"Oh, hanging out with friends"

Then the women get angry and start to lecture about how their men seem to be more interested about work/friends than them.

I used to think all these were logical.. I mean come on, your man IS your man after all. How would us, as females, know if their fucking some other girl pregnant. Or if they've got recently closer to some hot babe and is starting to lose interest in them... The main point is, the females never want to lose the males. The females want to know exactly everything the men do, just so the females know that they're not being lied to, will not have to worry about getting cheated on and to have the peace and security.

Then I realize, that THAT is the problem with us females.

The problem with us, females, is that we tend to over assume, over think and we're just too damn demanding.. We tend to not trust as well as how we used to and as the relationship progresses, and as soon as the time we've been together is long enough, the love might die out and the females will start to jump in to conclusions for the fear that the men are cheating on us. Once the trust goes out, the loves goes out.

Then wouldn't the whole thing have started on the females being too overly attached?

Unless you're a male who gives broad answers, and you constantly lie and lie and lie, which causes your girlfriend/ wife to be insecure.

Oh well.

halloween

Happy halloween guys!

life

Sometimes, I try so hard not to over-think. Or even, think, about things. Why can't we go back to the times where the only time we ever gave a damn of this world was when the grass was not our favorite colour? Everyone believes that life is hard. But is it really hard or are we just choosing to make believe it is hard, and therefore not overcoming circumstances?

I don't want to give a damn about this world and it's unfairness in this life.

Fashion passion.

Every female loves to dress up, to look good and to feel good.

Wouldn't every female love to have such a beautiful walk in closet? Or any walk in closet, for that matter. All the clothes lining up for you from the most raciest dress to the most daintiest. The most enchanting mukluks all in a line with the most sexy stilettos below it. In the next compartment, you find the most shiniest tiffany and co. necklaces to the most dazzling swarovski rings. 

And when you are finally done... You take a step forward, you take a deep breath in and you look yourself in the mirror.... You exhale slowly, heaving a loud sigh.. You may have the most fabulous fashion sense, but what would it be when you do not like what you're looking at? The little insecurities build up deep inside and crush you slowly from deep within. 

You feel too thin/thick to wear a body hugging dress. You feel too tall to wear heels. You feel too short to wear flats.. Insecurities are there to crush you from deep within. It is up to you to choose whether you should let it affect you or not.

failure.

i've been trying so hard to please you, to make sure whatever i'm doing is up to your standards. to make sure i'm good enough and that you can trust me. i did so much for you. just to prove you and the others wrong. so that i would be the right one and people will not judge you and/or me. i tried so hard, i really did. i made sure that you, yourself, could be proud of me. i didn't care two hoots about what others thought of me. what mattered most was how you thought of me.

it has never left my head. what you told me the other day. you have no reason to defend me anymore and i was a hypocrite. it has never left my head..

why did you let other people's opinion of me affect you? why were you so easily swayed to listening to them? why do you not remember about all the other times but choose to listen to one single teacher.

the trust for me is probably gone. and what i mean in the club is worthless and useless right now. I tried so hard but i guess my time is up. it's another person's time to shine and your trust would be better suited for someone more responsible, trustworthy and efficient.

i tried so hard, and it always kills me whenever you stare at me that way. do you know how small i feel? do you even know how i feel? ...

whatever. i deserved it anyway. i knew i always had this stigma. once i grow too attached and too close to someone that i start to seek their approval... they just do this to me.. and they always just end up turning their backs against me. i'm getting addicted to this sadness. it's a daily routine now. i live it, i breathe it. i'm a repelling machine from everyone whom i love and trust, and to whom i thought does the same.

i guess i'm just a failure, and i'm very sorry for not meeting your expectations. i'm just an ordinary person who disappointed you.

you did it again, mag. aren't you a proud little girl.

everlasting God

I 

am

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

afraid for tomorrow.

But i can do anything through Christ that strengthens me.

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on the wings
Like eagles

It hurts my heart so much. So so very much..

Feeling.

You have the entire world in your hands. Your life is perfect, everything's well. Nothing can go wrong in your life.

But your past haunts you day by day. Slowly killing you and revealing thoughts and remembrances. You want them to stop but then again you loved that one special feeling that no one has ever been able to give you.

That special feeling that made you feel so secure and so whole. That feeling that made you feel you. That feeling that you felt so belonged. That feeling where you just felt like you.

I miss that feeling but it is damn right illegal to even be thinking of it.

dreams

Exams have started, why do I not have a single motivation? It feels as if I have all the time in the world, but none to spare. I can't prioritize my time well.. Instead of complaining about the schedule for the timetable, I should be studying, and then again... Instead of blogging, I should be studying.

Oh, guide me through this round of examinations Lord. In any case, if I am able to produce good results... I still have that one dream for Victoria Junior College just for my TSDs.... I still want to go to New York, I still want to go to LA, I still want to go for NYFA... I still want to act in Broadway. This dream has not changed, Lord.

Hear this cry from a little girl who really wants to realize her dreams.

Guide me through these tough days. I love you Lord.

Amen.

THIS DAY SHALL COME.

ONE DAY EVERY TONGUE WILL TESTIFY YOUR NAME. ONE DAY YOU WILL BE CROWNED KING IN EVERYONE'S HEART. ONE DAY, EVERYONE WILL PROCLAIM THAT YOU ARE KING. THAT DAY SHALL COME. FILL OUR LIVES AGAIN, LORD. EVERYONE WILL GIVE THEIR LIFE TO YOU, JUST TO FOLLOW YOU. EVERYONE WILL OPEN UP THEIR HEARTS AND SURRENDER TO YOU. EVERYONE WILL PROCLAIM THE GREAT YAHWEH, THE GREAT GOD. THE GREAT ONE.

My heart just sank.

it hurts so much when you let go. it just symbolises how you defend your friends when your friends just insulted me. I know you're going to read this, and realise what exactly happened but just fucking remember this that whatever you just did just incurred so much hurt to me. I got angry because you got angry when I said that.

now tell me, why should I even defend you anymore when everyone calls you a douchebag. why should I defend you when whatever you just did just proved me otherwise of what I've been preaching?

Hurt, metaphorically incorrect 3.

I never should have accepted the invitation of the party. Three's a crowd and maybe I was the three.
Then again, think back and realise that if it wasn't for me, it wouldn't have.

it never should have, anyway.

To go for it Or to continue staying at this position.
Hurt us all or to hurt me, and myself?

Would i even hurt you?

Do i even matter.

I don't want to end up awkwardly removing my clothes all the time, I don't want to end up being the one pouring water, I don't want to end up breaking glasses.

Engulfed with sorrow, fear. Why do i do that. Why.

长痛不如短痛? Bullshit. 为你而痛，值得吗? Give me a reasonable reason, is it all worth it? Is the hurt i feel all worth it? I'd shed blood even, if it's worth it. But then again, I'm not like what I used to be. I don't know if it's worth fighting for, even.

He love us.

He is jealous for me 
Love's like a hurricane, I am a tree 
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy 
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory 
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me. 
Oh, how He loves us so 
Oh, how He loves us 
How He loves us so. 

Yeah, He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves. 

So we are His portion and He is our prize, 
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes 
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking 
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest 
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way 

That he loves us, 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves 

He loves us, 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves us 
Woah, how He loves 

E.

It is going to be a year. A year since I last wrote a particular entry on a diary. A year since my heart was a captive of someone else's prison. A little toy that you could play with, pull the strings and I would do it. Anything, anything. I'd do anything for this one special person.
I had never thought this special person could ever be anything more than friends. It's more than I can ask for, I don't even know if I am deserving and/or worthy of him. He makes me smile like no other, and no other can be him.
What would've I became without this one special someone? If I hadn't met this one special someone on skype. If I hadn't talked to this one special someone. If I hadn't texted this one special someone. If I hadn't known this one special someone?

I would be a lot different.

No other boy is willing to travel over-an-hour distance, late at night just to send you home.
No other boy is willing to leave all his games and friends just to meet you.
No other boy is willing to give in in almost every fight.
No other boy is willing to kneel down just for your forgiveness.
No other boy is willing to stop trying to get back your forgiveness.
No other boy is willing to tolerate your lame, annoying jokes.
No other boy is willing to continue being lame in addition to your lame jokes.
No other boy is willing to accept your past so openly.
No other boy is willing to understand situations.
No other boy is willing to throw his pride away.
No other boy is willing to try all ways just to cheer you up.
No other boy is willing to wake up earlier just to meet you.
No other boy is willing to send you home almost everyday when you stay faraway.
No other boy is willing to do almost anything for you.
No other boy is willing to satisfy every food craving for you and with you.
No other boy is willing to shed tears with you.
No other boy is willing to accept all the times you overreact.
No other boy is willing to readily say sorry all the time.
No other boy is willing to love you more than anyone else.
No other boy is willing to try to be the perfect guy.

No other boy is willing to, but ekjl will.

ljkeevoli

Poverty.

Poverty is the pronounced deprivation of well being. It is the inability to satisfy one's basic needs because one lacks income to buy services or from lack of access to services. Absolute poverty or destitution refers to the state of severe deprivation of basic human needs, which commonly includes food, water, sanitation, clothing, shelter, health care, education and information.  - WIKIPEDIA 

POVERTY. Read how even Wikipedia recognizes the fact that poverty refers to state of severe deprivation of basic human needs.
If you carry on reading, you will see that Wikipedia considers basic human needs as food, water, sanitation, clothing, shelter, health care, education and information.
Don't mean to become yet another politically incorrect blogger, who blogs about sensitive issues about the government and it's genius ideas and then get raged by netizens at but correct me if I'm wrong...

GIVING OUT PHONES TO PEOPLE UNDER THE POVERTY LINE?

FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. Your people out there in India are dying due to malnutrition, starvation, thirst, not having a proper roof over their head/ not even having a roof over their head, not having proper sanitation in their area, not enough warmth, not enough clothing, not having proper health care services, and majority of them suffering because of no proper education. Yet what do you do to help this situation? You provide phones, and what do phones do in situations like this?

Do you expect your people to call Pizza hut? Do you expect your people to call for someone to fix their houses? What do you expect your people to do with this new phone you give them? Call who and what for? Oh so you think you're a great government by doing this?

Oh, and to top it all off, to show the world how great you guys are, you give all of them 250 minutes free. What do people do with this 250 minutes? Your people are dying, they can't even afford food, they ration water almost everyday and you guys, being little geniuses you guys are, you guys give phones. Oh for God's sake, what makes you think your people have enough to pay for a phone bill? Or even have enough money to pay for the electricity used to charge the phone even?

Think about it further, and do not stop at the fact that it will show how magnanimous you guys are, and how much you guys can make a difference so that the people will entrust you and vote for you for the 2014 elections.

Help them solve their problems on water, food, shelter, clothings. NOT add on to their problems.

A good leader whom I will entrust my votes is someone who does something to help the situation, and not worsen it.

"32.7% of the total Indian people falls below the international poverty line of US$1.25 per day while 68.7% live on less than US$ 2 per day."

So 32.7% gets a free phone? And for what apparent reason do you do it for?

Click to read about this news

"They are worried it may been seen as a waste of resources that could be better spent resolving power shortage problem or funding food security measures."

 YOU DON'T SAY

salvation.

Comparing myself from a year back with now, there is a vast difference between us. So very vast. The faithfulness and the great adoration for the Lord has definitely been compromised with all my different little commitments I have made over the past year. So much differences in between. When I created this blog, there was ever only one little thing in my mind. To spread about the gospel of God, or rather just to blog in a more Christian way. A forgiving, humble way. So vast, the difference between what I wanted to become, and what I have became. I used to love the Lord that much that I am willing to lay down my life for the Lord. For everything I do, is to proclaim the awesomeness and the glory of God.

What have I become? And why have I not noticed this previously? Thank God I even noticed the difference in me.

Two years back around this time, probably about mid aug to mid sept, I was depressed to the extent that I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to commit suicide. I cut myself so deep that time, I bled. No one knew. I was just so depressed. Thank God for God and his little angels whom talked to me. To have received a message about Christ loving us. And how our body is the temple of God, am I only harming myself? Aren't I harming the little emotions of my surroundings? What about the Lord? If my body belongs to Christ, wouldn't I be harming Christ? Evading and avoiding is not the right option. It is the selfish option. Whomever said that you should steer clear of trouble, never meant that you should avoid it in such a way. But I never knew. Thank God, the awesome Lord made in clear to me that night.

I devoted myself to the Lord that much at that point of time, but what exactly happened to me during the course of the past year? What has happened?

Who am I forming and shaping into? What transformation has been in me?

I always tell myself that I want to re-devote myself in to Christ. Nothing has happened. No difference in me. Did I really re-devote myself in to Christ or has that all been little empty promises to myself just to comfort myself?

You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my all in all.

Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is your name. Help me re-devote and come back to you, Yahweh. You are worthy of all praises. Thank you for all that you have done for me, and done in me. I have countless blessings and I am not in any difficulty that I, myself can't handle, because of you. Because of all the blessings that you have given me. Lord, Jesus Christ. Thank you for the abundant blessings. For without you, I would be nothing but a worthless sinner, whom cannot do anything, whom cannot function. Thank you Lord. I pray that you will help me go back to you. Serving your ministry, and serving you faithfully. Thank you Lord. Amen.

MAGDELYN IZ HAPPY GIRL1997

SCHOOL IS ONLY HALF DAY TOMORROW.

YOU ONLY HAVE A CONCERT TOMORROW.

SCHOOL ENDS AT 1130 TOMORROW.

I HAVE 4 DAYS OF HOLIDAYS AFTER THAT.

I AM HAPPY.

M4k3Up.

You, little girl, with that many insecurities.
You're just a little girl who covers up all your insecurities with powder,
You conceal the flaws on your face with the concealer.

You choose to change to become two shades lighter because you're afraid of how society will base you.
You let your bronzer allow you to be judged as a whole other person.

Your vision is still clear, but you choose to cover it with the lenses that differs your opinion of the colours of this world.
The things you've seen in this world, covered with your eyeliner.
Bad enough that you cover it with your coloured lenses, you choose to put mascara to blur out your wise knowledge.
Your emotions, you cover them with blusher.
The words you speak, you tend to be careful. You cover them with lipstick.
You want to let the world know about your soul, but yet you cover them with your eyeshadow.

& when you go home, you wash them off with your facial cleanser. You become you at home, but will the world ever see it? And will the world ever appreciate you for being natural?

I'm afraid not.

Fret not.

I wish that there'd be a day where I can say that I totally relate to this.

Dilemma

When you don't know what's green and what's red,

When you don't know where to go,

When you don't know if you should,

When you don't know who's right,

When you don't know who to believe,

When you don't know who's advice to heed,

When you don't know anything,

When you don't know everything,

Look to God.

Because God provides answers,

God will be there.

No one will.

Withdrawn. Tired. Sick. 

Because of everything. 

That is why I once told you, I do not want to end up being too dependent on you. This is why I didn't want to rely on you too much. This is why I didn't want to grow too attached to you.

Because this is what happens.

" It wouldn't be considered a mistake if you did it more than once, it's a choice. "

Beat.

Music and me.

Age is catching up,
Don't know what to do with life any more.
Listening to slow beats,
Fast beats, no more.

A random thought.

Nothing hurts more than seeing someone you love a lot get hurt by someone undeserving and unworthy of their love. What can ever hurt more than seeing them love someone whom is so unworthy of them?

I once thought that everything was a fairytale and it was smooth sailing. You deserved her and she deserved you. But i was wrong, real wrong. You deserve someone whom will definitely be there for you all the time, not someone like her.

Not someone like her....

Not someone who stops talking to you as and when she feels like
Not someone who gets the swings every single day.
Not someone who wont ever listen to you and breaks all promises made.
Not someone who is like that.

Then again,
i realise,
Who am i to say about all these?

Little little vague thoughts.
Beat.

Sundays.

Sunday Christians.


Whilst everyone's praying, do you think it's right for you to be distracted? Saying you love God and he is your one and only true saviour. Does that really make you a Christian?"


"You show up on Sunday to cover your back
You drop to your knees, as you genuflect
I don't believe your heart is really in it
It's only insurance to you, you self-righteous hypocrite

Because you believe that just by praising God everywhere, it would make you a real believer? Do you think that would bring you to heaven?


You live as a Christian only one day in seven
You believe that's enough to get you to heaven
Yeah, you think that you've got it made
Because you dropped an extra dollar in the offering tray


 You think God is forgiving and he understands, but God only needs just that little time in your life, just to be there for him, when he has been there for you all these time. And what do you do in return? A half-hearted reply to God? Because you believe there are things more important than God.


I see you standing there with a tired look
Lip-syncing hymns, having never cracked the holy book
I don't mean to test your faith or cause you distress
You should send your prayers to the right address 


Shouldn't you be praying directly to God
Instead of petitioning saints or His mom
I believe one should go straight to the top
I'm sure He will pass all your requests on


Because we live in an open society
It seems there is one God for you and another for me
Praying to angels, saints and other deities is false idolatry
There is only one light that any of us will ever see


 You blame God in all the bad that happens in your life, and what about all the good things? Credited to yourself?


I don't see visions in the bark of a tree
Mildew stains turning into Mother Mary
You say I don't see because I don't believe
I say you see because you are lost and need to see


Organized religion was created to control
Only a political business, not here to save your soul
I believe one should follow the goodness in the heart
God has a plan for all and we will all play our parts


Many men have murdered claiming it was God's will
But wasn't it God that gave the law, "Thou shalt not kill"
Those who do the slaughter sacrificed their honor for pride
This is the reason that, in His name, so many millions have died

You think Going to Heaven is your one golden ticket in life, you believe in the ten commandments but you never really carry them out anyway.


Buddhists, Muslims, Hindus and the Christ killing Jews
Are damned because they don't believe the same as you do
You say, on heaven's gate there is a sign
It reads "For Christians Only"; all others go to hell, so get in line


The first shall be last, the last shall be first
You can torture and murder every being on the face of the earth
On your death bed, with your last breath, you repent
Through the pearly gates you are immediately sent


While the person who lives his life just like he should
Does nobody any harm and all of his works are good
He will suffer and burn in hell for all eternity
All because he does not believe in Christianity


Nature is full of God and his complexities
The rain falls on the good, the evil, you and me 
The golden rule is the only way to be
I will treat you the way I want you to treat me


Follow that one rule and no commandments would ever be broken
There would be peace on earth; no lies would ever be spoken
But this is a dream that will never ever be
For we are only humans and our hearts overflow with lust and greed

Because we believe God will always be there for us, even if we turn a blind eye on him. For God is an ever forgiving God and he will pardon every sin just because he died on the cross for us. It means we can all be washed off of our sins. Which means we can continue sinning without caring two hoots that it may hurt God.


We all do what we must do each day to get us through
Every morning I say, today, I will try to follow that golden rule
Well, that is my philosophy and my point of view
And in the end, we will all be revealed the truth"

Judgement day comes, and guess what happens.




Italic was the poem of Steve Giacomini, entitled "Sermon".
Bold for things to consider about.
Underline for in depth considerations.

Literature. *sigh.

t.

You know, its really hard to pretend like everythings right when its not. This pretentious game we are in, its really hard to get through this.. Im just feeling so horrible now. Is this what im supposed to get?....

All about the mindset.

Little children, with little immature childish thoughts. Little kids, with a mind that has not matured. Little, little. Pity.

Parachute.

I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We'll grow old together
Forever and always
Stay there forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We'll grow old together, and always remember
Whether rich or for poor or for better
We'll still love each other, forever and always
I want you forever, forever and always
Through the good and the bad and the ugly
We'll grow old together, and always remember
Whether happy or sad or whatever
We'll still love each other, forever and always
Forever and always, forever and always

Metaphorically incorrect 2

I need to keep to commitments about blogging. Day one and I'm out. Hahahahhaa, what.

It's been quite awhile and I really need to get things off my chest. I'd really love to type them all out. But people watch, people read...
People judge.

How do I conquer all these conflicting emotions? M/i.

Cow likes monkey.
Monkey is unsure.
Rat likes monkey.
Monkey is unsure.
Cow does not like Rat.
Monkey likes Rat.
Rat does not like Cow.
Monkey likes Rat.

What a beautiful poem. I actually wanted to continue... But I just couldn't. As I've said before, people watch, people read and people judge.
So many conflicting emotions. Inflicting pains of a yes and no. Scarry yes and nos. Scary yes and nos.

I am done with photoadayjuly. Simply because I got lazy.

as usual.

I'm tired. I'm done with this week.

Either ways,
Thank God it's Friday.
Thank God I can even make it through the week.
Thank God I can even reach Friday.
Thank God it's Friday.

Goodbye.

Menstruation.

I hate menstruation.
I hate menstruating.
I hate menses.
I hate menstruation cramps.
I hate having to change pads.
I hate not having enough pads.
I hate being bloody.
I hate hormonal imbalance.

PERIOD.
^ that was so fucking ironic i can't even explain the awkwardness when I typed period.

DAY 1.

HELLO. IT'S THE FIRST OF JULY.
 I'm gonna start on a photo blog a day!........... I hope I carry this out properly.
The last time I did it, I stopped at day 8 because.. I just stopped lah and it's pretty funny hahahahhaha.
ANYWAY.

 DAY 1 - Self portrait

I'm using my brother's macbook now so I really don't have much photos of myself here... Or rather, I don't have any photo of myself.
.
.
.
Because I don't like to camwhore.

JUST KIDDING.

Every girl likes to camwhore. But it's super troublesome because you have to like take ten thousand photos of yourself before you find a decent shot.
The three photos of me on top were taken after like 16 photos.... and I just took the 3 most acceptable ones........

I find myself really awkward in front of the camera because...
I just don't like it la. Smiling for 3seconds before the photo is actually taken...... That's for photobooth.
And with my really super laggy phone... 5seconds if you're lucky.

Omg. and it's funny how my phone has about 3000 photos and like I only have less than 100 photos of myself camwhoring in the phone. ahhahahaa. Anyway.

Yah. Self portrait.

It's supposedly supposed to be only 1 picture but I couldn't decide because like first picture, i rly like my hair but i think my smile is awkward.. Second picture, same case I really like my hair but the smile looks like that of a pedophile and my third picture is. hahhahaha i like my phone..........

Okay anyway goodbye! done with day oneeeeee. I think I should post a photo on my instagram too. #photoadayjuly

Hmm.

... --- -- . - .. -- . ... / .. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / .-- .- -. - / - --- / -.- -. --- .-- / .-- .... . - .... . .-. / .. - / .. ... / .-. . .- .-.. / --- .-. / -. --- - .-.-.- / ... --- -- . .... --- .-- / --- .-. / .-. .- - .... . .-. --..-- / .. / .-. . .- .-.. .-.. -.-- / ..-. . . .-.. / .. -. ... . -.-. ..- .-. . .-.-.- / .-- .- -. - .. -. --. / - --- / -.- -. --- .-- / - .... . / - .-. ..- - .... .-.-.- / - .... .. ... / .- .-.. .-.. / ... . . -- ... / - --- --- / --. --- --- -.. / - --- / -... . / - .-. ..- . .-.-.- / -.-- . - / .- --. .- .. -. --..-- / .. .----. -- / .- ..-. .-. .- .. -.. / - --- / ..-. .. -. -.. / --- ..- - / - .... . / - .-. ..- - .... .-.-.- / .-- .... .- - / .. ..-. / - .... . / --- -.. -.. ... / .- .-. . / -. --- - / .. -. / -- -.-- / ..-. .- ...- --- ..- .-. ..--.. / .-- .... .- - / .. ..-. / .. / .-.. --- ... . / . ...- . .-. -.-- - .... .. -. --. / - .... .- - / .. .----. ...- . / . ...- . .-. / .-- .- -. - . -.. ..--.. / .. / .--- ..- ... - / .-- .- -. - / - --- / -.- -. --- .-- / .. ..-. / . ...- . .-. -.-- - .... .. -. --. / .. ... / .-. . .- .-.. .-.-.- / ... .. --. .... .-.-.- / .. ..-. / --- -. .-.. -.-- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.-

Crying wont seem to ease the pain.
Cutting does not seem possible too.

What on earth, what on earth.. Would ever help. This girl who would like nothing more than to...

I'm unworthy of you.

Worst ever.

Shouldn't have said, shouldn't have asked.
I did.

Worst ever.

I know crying isn't going to help salvage the problem, but I guess I really do have to let out some feelings some time,
don't fucking know why but I really have the feeling that I should just knife my hands right now. A pain sensation, of some sort. Just to fucking remind myself that I'm still alive and I can still hurt people.

Just like how I'm about to hurt myself.

I don't want to on my phone. Really don't want to and can't bring myself to.
Switching on my phone, gives me an opportunity to talk to others and hurt them.

Don't fucking deserve.
You don't deserve.

I am the worst.
ever.
& most horrible ever.

Worthless. Goodbye.

Realization.

When things get too good, and it can never be better,
something is bound to happen.

tu me manques

"In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques,” which is closer to “you are missing from me.” I love that. “You are missing from me.” You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you"
- http://justaninperfectgirl.piczo.com/post/26237/In_French?cr=4

YOURROYALHIGHNESS.

I like how you can fucking scold me every fucking time and twist everything to make it seem like it's my fault. Go ahead, you can always find a reason to scold me and pick on me and everything will seem like it's my fault. Not directly implying anything or trying to sound like a little small brat but you are full of yourself you know that? You are. You think the world revolves around yourself and everything must be done for your highness. Everything must go your way, if not, it's our fault. & your argument is always valid, if perchance I make sense, you bring up something personal, making it my fault again, and like as if it is my obligation to do you right, and do you good.
It is my obligation to.
It never is because I want to or don't want to.
But I have to. It's an obligation. Like a little servant I am, not being to do things I want and do up the things I want because it gets in your way.
You sleeping in a perfect nice condition is totally a reason why I have to spoil my eyes in the dark. Right, my fault.
Yah, sleep. Sleep all you want. Or more like whatsapp and tweet and everything else in the dark.
Don't bloody forget all the times where I am trying to sleep and you watch videos on maximum volume just because you don't have your earpiece. Tell me which environment is worst to sleep in, with lights or with sound?
But you can't understand it do you?
Because everything is about you.
You. You are the only one in this world and everything revolves around you. Nothing must go in your royal highness' way.
Your royal highness must be served.
Your royal highness must have whatever she wants.
Your royal highness must order around.
Til' she gets what she likes.

Nothing, and no one ever matters.
Because your royal highness wants things her way, no matter what.

I'm sorry to fucking disappoint you, your royal highness.
I wasn't the one who had all the attention in the world just like you did.

As I've said, your royal fucking highness, 12/12/11.
Remember that fucking date.
Or I'll make you remember it.

This week.

This whole week has been tiring.
TIRING.
I say,
TIRING.

Ahahahhaha. Went out almost every single day... Well, except for Thursday.

On Monday, I went out.
Met in to a car accident.
I'm fine, don't ask. ;)
It was actually nothing, yah so............... Went out with Mom and sis.
Went to SinMing for brunch, then starbucks then.. Home for dinner. Hahahahaha

Tuesday, I went out.
Not elaborating.

Wednesdayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
I went to send Jovi off with nurulshiazlyndarlingminahsk8rchickprincess.

We met for KOI first at AMK before taking a really long bus trip to Changi.

She just came back from Bali and this is her new braids she got! It's super pretty. Hahahha.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF NURULSHIAZLYNDARLING.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF JOBITOFU.

AHHHH. SO MUCH LOVE.

AWESOME SHOT TAKEN BY YOURS TRULY.

I love this photo. and I have no apparent reason why.

" CAN U GUYS LIKE GO CLOSER"

*BOOM* AND KNOCK EACH OTHERS HEAD. HAHAHA

After sending Jovi off, we took another long bus back home, camwhoring and all. ahhahaha

O look. Nurul's butt.

O HAY NURUL

OH AND THERES ME!

Was a pity Jeslyn couldn't go. Or else it'd be the four of us together. Sigh.. BOHN VOYAGE, BOHN JOVI! hahahaha :)

 Thursday. I slept.
And slept.
And woke up at 4. HAHAHAAH Poor me.

 Friday, Which is today. I went out with my sexy drama mates.
Met enMEAN first hehe

At Mos burger,

MAJOR CATCHING UP SESSION LOR! HAHAHAHHA :)

Then we talked.. And talked...

Then I used her phone to text people HAHAHAHAHAH

LOL

So then I went to check my twitter and I saw farhanee saying she was in Mcdonalds with Lyana. So went to meet them. HAHAHAHAHA. 

Another Major Catching up session!!! AHHAHAHA.

Lyana, Me, Farhanee and Enmin :)

:D Drama people are awesome to hang out with, we are major noisy,

Then Lyana went to work and it is left with the three of us. hehehehe

The three of us again! HAHAHA

Omg, so went to uniqlo to go disturb Lyana. AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Things like

"OMG how do you wear these pair of jeans? *puts on head*"

"I DEMAND TO SEE YOUR MANAGER NOW"

"Do you sell bras here?"

*pinch butt

"I WANT TO BUY SCHOOL SHOES."

"What's your biggest size? WHY IS THERE NO XXL."

HAAHAHHAHAHAHA. So we totally disturbed her and caused a nuisance in public. Then after that we went separate ways and went home...

So good day readers, goodbye. 

ITS BEEN LONG SINCE I LAST BLOGGED LIKE THIS OMAGOD. AHHAHA K BYE.