emotional mayhem.

Honestly, nowadays I've been feeling very extremely sucky. I don't even know what's up with me anymore. It's like I'm going through an emotional mayhem. There are times(most of the time) where I don't even feel like talking to anyone, even the one whom I used to love talking to the most. There are times where my tears just stream down for no apparent reason and then there are times where I get all boiled up and angry at every single thing. My level of tolerance has gone very low, lower than the floor.

I came back from Bintan a couple of days ago and it was a very fun experience. The kids are so lovable. It is an instantaneous thing. The moment you step in the orphanage, you already love all of them even if you've only seen one or two. What struck me most is not the fact that they all happen to be very loving and cuddly. But what struck me most is that they are so easily contented... Although they may all seem like they want you to do things for them(e.g. develop photos for them, buy presents for them.. etc.) Honestly, what they want most is your attention and love and care. They have grown up in this world knowing that the only thing closest to love is their caretaker, or maybe their friends. They cry when you depart the orphanage, they ask you to come back and they crave for your constant attention. It is a very simple living lifestyle though, the way they live. & it makes you feel very warm and fuzzy inside to know that these kids actually love you and welcome you all the time and would give up anything to see you and to spend time with you, in turn for you to spend time with them. (At the third orphanage we went, the kids were supposed to go swimming for the whole day from morning. But they waited for us, instead. We only reached at about 3.30pm.)

I don't know what has caught up with me but immediately after I reached Singapore, I felt like I've changed. I felt so motivated to do anything and everything but I don't know where to start. So procrastination took the better of me. & laziness took the better of procrastination. Now I'm just a useless bugger who can't even commit to blogging( I've been wanting to blog since the moment I reached Singapore. It is already the 28th.) I suddenly got so lazy that all I want to do is eat, sleep, enjoy, watch some good shows.

I feel like I'm distancing from God, even. The prayers I used to do every 10PM and 11:11PM / 11:11AM for prayer warriors have already stopped(even before the Bintan trip. Somewhere right after the HongKong trip.)

I don't know what has gotten over me. I feel like I'm in an emotional mayhem and life is getting ready to suck me up in to the hell hole and commit a whole year in to it.

Oh wait. It's not a feeling.

Life IS really going to suck me up in to a hell hole which I have to commit to it for a whole year.

Honestly, if this is tough for me to get through itty pity December, what about the whole of 2013. It's my bloody O levels year and I can't even do shit right. Chinese O levels results are gonna come out in about ten to twelve days time. I don't even feel like I'm ready for it. All I hope is that I get at least a B3... ( of course, still hoping for an A2... or maybe an A1....)

Crap. Anxiety is taking over me. I don't know what to do now. Maybe I should make some hot milo and eat ice cream and cry over Korean drama.

Nah I Kid.

I'm going to drink hot milo, eat ice cream and watch HIMYM.

Goodbye.