failure.

i've been trying so hard to please you, to make sure whatever i'm doing is up to your standards. to make sure i'm good enough and that you can trust me. i did so much for you. just to prove you and the others wrong. so that i would be the right one and people will not judge you and/or me. i tried so hard, i really did. i made sure that you, yourself, could be proud of me. i didn't care two hoots about what others thought of me. what mattered most was how you thought of me.

it has never left my head. what you told me the other day. you have no reason to defend me anymore and i was a hypocrite. it has never left my head..

why did you let other people's opinion of me affect you? why were you so easily swayed to listening to them? why do you not remember about all the other times but choose to listen to one single teacher.

the trust for me is probably gone. and what i mean in the club is worthless and useless right now. I tried so hard but i guess my time is up. it's another person's time to shine and your trust would be better suited for someone more responsible, trustworthy and efficient.

i tried so hard, and it always kills me whenever you stare at me that way. do you know how small i feel? do you even know how i feel? ...

whatever. i deserved it anyway. i knew i always had this stigma. once i grow too attached and too close to someone that i start to seek their approval... they just do this to me.. and they always just end up turning their backs against me. i'm getting addicted to this sadness. it's a daily routine now. i live it, i breathe it. i'm a repelling machine from everyone whom i love and trust, and to whom i thought does the same.

i guess i'm just a failure, and i'm very sorry for not meeting your expectations. i'm just an ordinary person who disappointed you.

you did it again, mag. aren't you a proud little girl.