For you:

You couldn't have loved me better,
but i want you to move on,
so I'm already gone.

Stay strong, Keep faith.

We made it, to the finish line. 

We've crossed the gantry.

We've passed all our set backs.

We've got over the tears.

We've had our time stressing.

The path isn't always straight,

So stay strong,

keep faith.

/

Ache if you must, 

Cry if you may,

But it's all in God's plan,

He'll make a way. 

/

Can't believe I just wrote all that in one sitting within 2 minutes. Wanted to type a chunk to vent out all my pent up frustrations, but I guess there's nothing ranting can offer than wasted time, and a source of procrastination.

SYF results were out today. I'm starting to reflect and think about how arrogant I've became. I used to think I can do everything within my own ability. But I guess...

I 

can't.

;

Confessions;

1. I judge a shit load, I despise so many kinds of people, so so so many kinds. I might even judge you for stalking me(even if you just happen to chance upon this blog for the very first time)
2. I have no confidence at all. I stutter. No one knows I've had a stuttering problem. This is the first time I'm ever talking about it. And probably the last.
3. Insecure. Who isn't? Everyone has something about themselves that they feel insecure about. 
4. I try to be a people pleaser.
5. In regards to 4, I bitch about someone, but yet I still try to please them in front of their faces.
6. I cry easily.
7. I get hurt. very. easily. Though it may not seem like it.
8. I have a dark past that not many people know.
9. I bully because I get bullied.
10. I never thought I was any good.
11. I am arrogant.
12. I try so hard to prove myself right.
13. I never admit defeat.
14. When I lose, I cry.
15. I have occasional suicidal thoughts.
16. I'm ashamed of myself.

But he never gave up on me. He still chose me to be one of His people. I love God. Thanks for creating me and giving me such a blessed life. Thank you Lord.

Happy birthday to me.

On a Sunday afternoon

Jazz songs
A cup of coffee
Pie dish

A recipe for a great Sunday afternoon.

relatable.

now you've been talking in your sleep,
things you never say to me,
tell me that you've had enough
of our love,
our love.

just give me a reason
just a little bit's enough
just a second,
we're not broken just bent
and we can learn to love again

it's in the stars,
it's been written in the scars on our hearts
we're not broken just bent
and we can learn to love
again.

Day.

"Adrenaline rush" is what every performing arts member goes through biennially. It's amazing how some of them manages to cope with their studies while having to go through such an event. I am in awe of them. Sometimes, you never get to know what it feels like until you really go through it. I have had experienced it once, but that was as far as it went. Even at that time, I was nothing but a mere Sec 2 and it was probably the most that was closest to "competition" for me, as I have always been in a CCA which... To put it in a nice way, "less-competitive".

Ha.

It's tomorrow. Let's do it.

Oblivion

You know that period of time in your life where you feel like the whole world's against you and everyone you've ever been close to is actually miles away and was never really there for you? I think I'm having it right now. Damn as hell, it isn't not funny, and it is really quite hurting. I mean, I know I've been mean to people, doing shit-loads of stuff to spite people... But I realize, it's just my personality. I do that to the people closest to me and it never really bothered me because they always seem cool to it. Today, or should I say, the past week has really been a wake up call. Be wary of the ones around you and be wary of the ones you're close with.

Guess who's talking about you behind your back right now? You wouldn't know because you think everything's going well, and alls well ends well. Well you're wrong. When you are in the state of ignorance, that is when you have to be really cautious. When your life's suddenly going really perfectly.. Treasure it. Because the more perfect it is, the higher the chance that you will fall and when it breaks, the bigger the impact it has to you.

This is probably going to be one of those other moments where shit like these happen. It's an old friend, but I never thought he'd come back.

Be
wary.

Never.
Let.
Your.
Guard.
Down.

A thought to ponder about.

In this patriarchal society(although already said to be a society of equality[which I don't feel so.]), women(the weaker sex), are still not being appreciated. Sure, we may have every right to do what the same species with a different private part can do. We are physically accepted in this society but we are not accepted emotionally. Sexist jokes are still passed on everywhere as if the jokes are not hurting to us as it is against a general audience. How are we considered an equal society if the women are still made a mockery of? From the sandwich making jokes to the household chores jokes. It isn't our fault that the men has lesser EQ and are unable to do the same things we are able to do(which is general life skills). You still see boys picking on girls in school(stereotypical, i know). Why can't the females be picking on the boys? While boys pull ponytails, we pull... their hair...? I don't know. Or why must they pick on a different sex? Why can't they pick on the same sex?

threatened

they call it
the place where we
feel most accepting of
ourselves.
I feel condemned
used
unwanted
insecure.
I've tried to let this thought go
but where can it go
it can only go so far.
it'll come back
and haunt me.
she'll haunt me.
the silhouette of her is enough
to kill me

I shudder
at the thought of her
but she's just there
she constantly reminds me
of what she is
who she is
and what she used to be.

what's mine
should never be mine.

it's hers.


threatened.

c.

how does it feel like to be socially acceptable?

Valentines.

It was previously called,
"the day of love".
The unnoticed
trying to get noticed.
What makes this day special,
when everyday we are to love?
Wasn't this a commandment?
Why do we keep our
hopes up high when everyday
we are obliged to love?
I tried my best to do good;
to love on the day of love.
Contrary to the belief,
I'm cutting
hurting
and hating myself
on the day of love.




Can't write a poem for nuts now. But that pretty much sums up today.

crushed.

when you try your best but you don't succeed... when you get what you want but not what you need....... could it be worst?


Recently, I went through a really hard time that I, myself, would've never thought I would go through such thing. It has always been my dream to act. I want to pursue in acting(of course there's psychology but that's a whole different issue) but recently.. syf.... it pains my heart everytime I have to think of it. I never used to have a problem with it but I guess... Now.... I guess I just have to remind myself not to be blinded by my ego...

This has affected me so much... Everytime I think of it, it kills me a little bit more. I am so hurt right now I don't even know if I have the moral courage to continue this blogpost.

I have been assured by so many people that I have the talent and the skill.. but how can I believe them when the truth is right before my eyes... I can't act. I want to act. I have been assured by certificates and commendations so many a time. But something as big as my last chance to perform....

I'm going to cry.

To you, out there reading this: You might think you're safe and all and you are better than everyone else... You're not. You can be overtaken someday. And even if you never are to be overtaken, don't be complacent. Because I have been there and I have done that....

What I thought I had... was never really mine.

compromising a hindrance

Do I expect too much of you? I feel like I do. Am I putting you high up on the pedestal? Because every time you never fail to make me feel disappointment.

I used to try to want to overcome that. Telling myself that it isn't a big hindrance. But who am I to kid? It is a big hindrance. I refuse to want to compromise. I am not going to compromise my feelings for your comfortability and comfort zone.

I refuse to make a fool of myself this time. I am a fool so many a time and need be, I would do whatever I had done all over again.

Maybe this was a mistake all over again and it just proves me even more reasons why I should not have even made such a silly mistake in the first place.

After all, I compromised so many things just for you.

new.

New year

New house

New life

New level

New friends

Same old me.

I miss my mother. 

Happynewyear.

Whatever you do on the first of January is what you will be doing for the rest of the year. 
Gosh. I slept til 4 woke up, then I ate then I went back to sleep at 5 til 8 and I went to eat again. 

I love You Lord. I'm going to make my 2013 count for You.


Happy new year guys!