emotional mayhem.

Honestly, nowadays I've been feeling very extremely sucky. I don't even know what's up with me anymore. It's like I'm going through an emotional mayhem. There are times(most of the time) where I don't even feel like talking to anyone, even the one whom I used to love talking to the most. There are times where my tears just stream down for no apparent reason and then there are times where I get all boiled up and angry at every single thing. My level of tolerance has gone very low, lower than the floor.

I came back from Bintan a couple of days ago and it was a very fun experience. The kids are so lovable. It is an instantaneous thing. The moment you step in the orphanage, you already love all of them even if you've only seen one or two. What struck me most is not the fact that they all happen to be very loving and cuddly. But what struck me most is that they are so easily contented... Although they may all seem like they want you to do things for them(e.g. develop photos for them, buy presents for them.. etc.) Honestly, what they want most is your attention and love and care. They have grown up in this world knowing that the only thing closest to love is their caretaker, or maybe their friends. They cry when you depart the orphanage, they ask you to come back and they crave for your constant attention. It is a very simple living lifestyle though, the way they live. & it makes you feel very warm and fuzzy inside to know that these kids actually love you and welcome you all the time and would give up anything to see you and to spend time with you, in turn for you to spend time with them. (At the third orphanage we went, the kids were supposed to go swimming for the whole day from morning. But they waited for us, instead. We only reached at about 3.30pm.)

I don't know what has caught up with me but immediately after I reached Singapore, I felt like I've changed. I felt so motivated to do anything and everything but I don't know where to start. So procrastination took the better of me. & laziness took the better of procrastination. Now I'm just a useless bugger who can't even commit to blogging( I've been wanting to blog since the moment I reached Singapore. It is already the 28th.) I suddenly got so lazy that all I want to do is eat, sleep, enjoy, watch some good shows.

I feel like I'm distancing from God, even. The prayers I used to do every 10PM and 11:11PM / 11:11AM for prayer warriors have already stopped(even before the Bintan trip. Somewhere right after the HongKong trip.)

I don't know what has gotten over me. I feel like I'm in an emotional mayhem and life is getting ready to suck me up in to the hell hole and commit a whole year in to it.

Oh wait. It's not a feeling.

Life IS really going to suck me up in to a hell hole which I have to commit to it for a whole year.

Honestly, if this is tough for me to get through itty pity December, what about the whole of 2013. It's my bloody O levels year and I can't even do shit right. Chinese O levels results are gonna come out in about ten to twelve days time. I don't even feel like I'm ready for it. All I hope is that I get at least a B3... ( of course, still hoping for an A2... or maybe an A1....)

Crap. Anxiety is taking over me. I don't know what to do now. Maybe I should make some hot milo and eat ice cream and cry over Korean drama.

Nah I Kid.

I'm going to drink hot milo, eat ice cream and watch HIMYM.

Goodbye.

Xmas.

How would you feel if there was a birthday party all for you and many people are celebrating it? Everyone is busy preparing for the party. From the food, to the decorations..

When the day comes... You're so excited for it. It's finally your birthday! You go right straight up to the door and you realize... You didn't receive any form of invitation. From the peephole /through any opening, you trying to peek inside to what they are doing.. You see them eating a log cake, it looks very delicious, you see them eating roast turkeys and many other delicious food. You don't get the food. Then there's a gift exchange.. Everyone's exchanging gifts.. But it's your birthday. You don't get a gift as well. It's your birthday. Why does it seem like it's everyone else's birthday instead?

Never mind, maybe it was only this party. You go to the other houses and you realize they are all practicing the same thing. Everyone's not inviting you to the party.. But it's your birthday..Why don't they care about you at all?

Sadly you leave... Yet another year, forgotten.. This wasn't the first.. & it certainly wouldn't be the last...

Sadly, that story is true and it's how Jesus feels every single year. 

They people care more about a mythological creature named "santa claus" more than Jesus. Jesus is real! But why do they care more about something that is only a child's belief?

This Christmas, let's invite Jesus in to our hearts. It's the only right the to do. 

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sport car in a dealer showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approaches, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his

 private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him.

He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.

Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible? "and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen Him since that graduation day.

But before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son.

He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago.

With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11 ,

"And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in Heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealers name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had

desired.. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...

PAID IN FULL.

MORAL LESSON:

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected?

A PRAYER FOR YOU!

May you never miss God's Christmas gift for you just because its not wraped and packed as you expect it.

us, as humans.

Excerpt of a stolen life - jaycee dugard

This is one of the Bible studies Phillip made us sit through
John 1:1
Wisdom was created before everything.
God represents a way of living one's life. God holds and stands by wisdom, love, and justice. They are one.
[The] woman is in all of us. She represents our subconscious. She is inside of us always making good and bad decisions. Man represents male and female. The garden or field in the Bible is the inner workings of our minds. God developed man [humans, male and female] through stages in the evolution of our minds. We as humans have not yet awakened from the deep sleep and we have not become one with our inner woman [subconscious]. We have not shed our clothes [ bad behaviour] and become naked. Living as God [ a way of life] our creator intended.
The serpent in the Garden of Eden [ our minds] represents our subconscious and our conscious talking to each other. Like the battle sometimes we have within ourselves. Telling us to do something even when you know it's wrong or has the potential to be wrong or dangerous if you have never had the experience of doing it, how can you ever win the battle? So the woman [ Eve in the garden, our subconscious] gave the apple [a new experience] to her husband [our subconscious, Adam]. Our creator knew the only way to develop man so he could one day become like God was to let man learn through experience. 
The breath of life our creator breathed into all was the freedom to make choices, good and bad. That's why he gave us a helper [our subconscious, our inner woman] to be with us through our journey of learning.
From the very beginning we have struggled with the way of God and our minds. The story of Cain and Abel represents the turmoil with us. Cain is the negative input we encounter everyday and the consequences of letting those thoughts take over. Abel is what we know is right but don't always listen to. And when we let Cain [the negative] win, we kill Abel [our sense of what's right]. But as with all aspects of our life, we have the ability to change and grow and learn from our mistakes. Our inner woman can be good or bad depending on the choices we make in life. 

geek in greek.

Going for an event tonight and the theme for the party, which is also the dresscode is greek mythological characters.
Wearing a sash, a long flowing dress and I look a little greekish but I just don't know who I am. But since it's a black dress I think I'm just gonna be Selene. Moon Goddess. I think. I don't know.

Oh well.

xx.

you can find meaning in the storm

"At times everyone goes through trials and tribulations. Seek out someone else in a similar situation and give them an encouragement or just a hug. Find meaning in the midst of your struggles by helping another in similar straits."

hug u guys luv u guys. *gives encouragement* muahmuahmuahmuah.

Published.

I was bloghopping( Yes, blogHOPPING. No S. It's not blogshopping because that's for girlygirlygirls. Which apparently, I am now deemed not so) just now and I saw many bloggers blogging about their families and all the screw ups and mishaps and shit(apparently, very common topic to post nowadays). Some actually made me tear and some made me reflect a lot about myself and my family.

Although, I have a rather screwed up family... Every family's as screwed up as well. Fights are bound to happen. Separation may happen. It sucks but that's the hard truth.

Suck it up. Life's like that.

happiness

to burn out the pain, just find a place filled with joy.

That was the quote spoken to me for today, December the 2nd. It feels like everyday, it's just giving me quotes about happiness. Damn as hell, I sure need it. Happiness is something easy to have, but hard to sustain. Tribulations may happen as and when it feels like. But what is happiness really? & How does one get happiness or be happy?

Which brings me back to my previous post! " true happiness is a state of mind"

Very so often, we have burdens and tribulations, things that will make us stumble on our paths. We may often find it as the "worst thing I've ever experienced"... But who can ever go through anything worst than what Jesus went through? He wore the crown of thorns, he was made to carry the cross, he was nailed to the cross... Carrying the cross is like carrying the burden that we have to go through. But to finally end the suffering, we will be nailed to the cross... It may be the toughest to be suffering over the same burden that you have been carrying... But definitely, exchanging momentary suffering for eternal happiness is truly worth it. :)



Maybe we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. Maybe we should just see everything out of the box. Maybe life is really just a simple game of survival.

Because God will never put us through anything that we can't go through.