halloween

Happy halloween guys!

life

Sometimes, I try so hard not to over-think. Or even, think, about things. Why can't we go back to the times where the only time we ever gave a damn of this world was when the grass was not our favorite colour? Everyone believes that life is hard. But is it really hard or are we just choosing to make believe it is hard, and therefore not overcoming circumstances?

I don't want to give a damn about this world and it's unfairness in this life.

Fashion passion.

Every female loves to dress up, to look good and to feel good.

Wouldn't every female love to have such a beautiful walk in closet? Or any walk in closet, for that matter. All the clothes lining up for you from the most raciest dress to the most daintiest. The most enchanting mukluks all in a line with the most sexy stilettos below it. In the next compartment, you find the most shiniest tiffany and co. necklaces to the most dazzling swarovski rings. 

And when you are finally done... You take a step forward, you take a deep breath in and you look yourself in the mirror.... You exhale slowly, heaving a loud sigh.. You may have the most fabulous fashion sense, but what would it be when you do not like what you're looking at? The little insecurities build up deep inside and crush you slowly from deep within. 

You feel too thin/thick to wear a body hugging dress. You feel too tall to wear heels. You feel too short to wear flats.. Insecurities are there to crush you from deep within. It is up to you to choose whether you should let it affect you or not.

failure.

i've been trying so hard to please you, to make sure whatever i'm doing is up to your standards. to make sure i'm good enough and that you can trust me. i did so much for you. just to prove you and the others wrong. so that i would be the right one and people will not judge you and/or me. i tried so hard, i really did. i made sure that you, yourself, could be proud of me. i didn't care two hoots about what others thought of me. what mattered most was how you thought of me.

it has never left my head. what you told me the other day. you have no reason to defend me anymore and i was a hypocrite. it has never left my head..

why did you let other people's opinion of me affect you? why were you so easily swayed to listening to them? why do you not remember about all the other times but choose to listen to one single teacher.

the trust for me is probably gone. and what i mean in the club is worthless and useless right now. I tried so hard but i guess my time is up. it's another person's time to shine and your trust would be better suited for someone more responsible, trustworthy and efficient.

i tried so hard, and it always kills me whenever you stare at me that way. do you know how small i feel? do you even know how i feel? ...

whatever. i deserved it anyway. i knew i always had this stigma. once i grow too attached and too close to someone that i start to seek their approval... they just do this to me.. and they always just end up turning their backs against me. i'm getting addicted to this sadness. it's a daily routine now. i live it, i breathe it. i'm a repelling machine from everyone whom i love and trust, and to whom i thought does the same.

i guess i'm just a failure, and i'm very sorry for not meeting your expectations. i'm just an ordinary person who disappointed you.

you did it again, mag. aren't you a proud little girl.

everlasting God

I 

am

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

so

afraid for tomorrow.

But i can do anything through Christ that strengthens me.

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on the wings
Like eagles

It hurts my heart so much. So so very much..

Feeling.

You have the entire world in your hands. Your life is perfect, everything's well. Nothing can go wrong in your life.

But your past haunts you day by day. Slowly killing you and revealing thoughts and remembrances. You want them to stop but then again you loved that one special feeling that no one has ever been able to give you.

That special feeling that made you feel so secure and so whole. That feeling that made you feel you. That feeling that you felt so belonged. That feeling where you just felt like you.

I miss that feeling but it is damn right illegal to even be thinking of it.

dreams

Exams have started, why do I not have a single motivation? It feels as if I have all the time in the world, but none to spare. I can't prioritize my time well.. Instead of complaining about the schedule for the timetable, I should be studying, and then again... Instead of blogging, I should be studying.

Oh, guide me through this round of examinations Lord. In any case, if I am able to produce good results... I still have that one dream for Victoria Junior College just for my TSDs.... I still want to go to New York, I still want to go to LA, I still want to go for NYFA... I still want to act in Broadway. This dream has not changed, Lord.

Hear this cry from a little girl who really wants to realize her dreams.

Guide me through these tough days. I love you Lord.

Amen.